Sowing the Seeds of Anxiety
“Cover your screen!” My mom whispered in the highest pitch possible as glanced over my shoulder.
Her voice was loud enough that the people on either side of me also on the computers looked at me, my pale face turning bright red. I smashed the Ctrl and P keys, a little known secret I learned that let you send your webpage to the printer. The prompt that popped up was taking forever as she stood behind me. I panicked and wanted to close the window but I couldn’t now. I needed this printed or I’d have to wait another three weeks to come back.
I felt all eyes on me. I heard the librarian behind me put down her pen and start to amble over- the long skirts she always wore made an ethereal swooshing that reminded me I was still a kid in the adult section. Yet at this moment I feared more for my mom getting kicked out for being too loud, leaving me stranded. The guy next to me adjusted his glasses and squinted towards my browser with the game guide up. I just needed it printed. If she did this two minutes later it wouldn’t have been a big deal- I would have been on my way to the printer already.
If anyone was curious I’d let them read it. If someone had a problem with me printing out a game guide for Sonic Adventure 2 I would love to know why. It’s not like it was in color either since it was a glorified text file.
“Get rid of it! Minimize it!” My mom said as if I was braindead.
The popup thankfully appeared asking me what pages I wanted to print. I typed in the numbers and hit enter. Once I saw the little printer in the bottom corner of the screen I closed the browser. She let out a huge sigh of relief that was somehow more distracting than her whisper yelling at me. I fished in my pocket for two quarters and a dime to hand over in return for my papers that were already done printing. The librarian was at my computer logging me out and didn’t seem to be walking this way. Thank god!
Once we got into the lobby my mom grabbed me by the shoulder. I tried not to crumple the six pages in my hand and make a run for the bathroom behind me. I hated every moment as my gaze flickered to the separate entrance to the kid’s section where I technically belonged, but their computers didn’t have access to the internet. Why oh why did I decide to ask for this? The way her face crumpled I knew I was in big trouble.
“Why would you be on a site like that!” She raised her voice, two people walking past us. “Who told you about that site?!”
I felt like I was on fire inside. I wanted to run, I wanted to puke, and I wanted to know why my Sonic guide was a problem. “It’s a game guide! Look at it! I wasn’t doing anything wrong!”
"Cut the crap!”
“I wasn’t on anything bad!” I shoved the papers in her face. “Look at this! I needed to know how to combine things to get these chao and what to do next!”
“Clearly not!” She pushed them to the ground. I didn’t know if I should pick them up. “I can’t believe that site got the f word past the filter.”
My stomach dropped. What was the f word? I was barely nine at this point. I didn’t think it was a bad word. GameFAQs? Facts and Questions? Should I even bother to explain it? Was FAQ a bad word? I started shaking and grabbed my own wrist to steady myself.
“It’s said game facts…” my voice trailed off as I saw the librarian approaching. “Game facts game facts game facts…but it means facts and questions…”
“And I’m sure you have a lot of questions about those stupid hedgehogs!”
“Is there a problem?” The librarian stood behind her. I looked up at the taller woman with long brown hair and round glasses. I felt a little less warm but was still about to burst into tears.
“You need a new word filter!” My mom stammered as more people began to look into the lobby. “My child got on an illegitimate site!”
Needless to say this woman had a computer that could see everyone who was logged in. Thankfully she had a son a little older than me and knew what the site was. She pulled my mom over and showed her the page with the blue bar at the top and the big G. I don’t know what happened to my papers at that point but once I saw them talking I ran into the bathroom and started coughing. I sat on the ground next to the sink and felt so small. I didn’t want to go home. I wished that anything could undo the last ten minutes, that I was sneakier, that I was smarter and knew what the f word was so I could avoid it to stay out of trouble. I kept my eyes closed every time I heard the door crack open hoping it wasn’t her.
It felt like I was in there forever. I mentally prepared to be stranded at the library. I started thinking of which place was the best to sleep. The kid’s section had bean bag chairs I could push together and probably lay on. There was an entire downstairs area for events, but I didn’t know much about it. Would they have a bed? Would I just stay for one night? I felt a weird gurgle in my stomach. I forgot my Tamagotchi at home on my bed. What if it died and it was all my fault? Clearly I should have clipped it to my shorts. Clearly I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. My mom’s voice echoed in my head as I let myself sob. It was so loud. The bathroom window was cracked open and I looked outside at the parking lot. I wished anyone else there was my parent and could whisk me away from all this. They probably didn’t care that much about game facts like my mom did. I felt so bad. I loved the site and using the guides to get things I missed. I loved seeing new games get listed with titles in other languages wondering if they’d come here or not. Now what was I going to do? It’s not like I had many friends that were into the same games who could help me out!
My cries echoed making it worse. Now I was being too loud in the library! I felt so sick. I didn’t know what to do. My mom was probably mad and left right now. I knew there was a Burger King nearby but I didn’t have any money. Maybe I could get some chicken nuggets and work it off in the back washing dishes just like the TV shows. Yeah, that was the plan- walk to get some food then come back right as they’re about to close and hide until I could make it to the bean bag chairs. I had books to occupy me anyway even if I had to find a way to turn the light on at night. It was perfect!
I started to calm down and leaned against the window. I could see the road. I could do it. I could survive. Then I wouldn’t have to be punished for the f word, whatever that was. Of course it wasn’t long before the door to the bathroom was propped open, my mom dragging me out, my arm almost dislocating along the way. Once we made it down the stairs and outside the double doors I braced for impact. What was it gonna be this time? Was the librarian a liar too? Did she get us both banned?
Yet she said nothing, my thoughts left to torment me. She turned left out of the parking lot and missed the turn for the grocery store and the Burger King down the road. At that moment I knew my punishment and it stuck with me for the rest of my life- if I even thought I did bad I didn’t deserve food. She had done this before but it didn’t click until this very moment.
Years later I sat at the computer in the living room as I heard footsteps blazing down the stairs. I instinctively minimized my Neopets window, fearing that somehow my blue alien cat would offend her.
At that moment she walked behind me and shook my chair, the words trickling out of her mouth to start a fire within me again. “Why did you close your window when I walked by?”